"I was in react mode all the time," says the Toronto writer, who drew on her personal experience to write The Complete Canadian Eldercare Guide.

Like most people faced with a parent's sudden health crisis, she wishes she had been better prepared, instead of having to make decisions on the fly. And while you can never completely be ready for a parent's decline, she does suggest steps to take that can make it easier when it happens.

Start by talking with parents, while they are healthy and active, about what their wishes would be, should they become physically or mentally impaired.

That includes discussing financial resources for future care, and how you both would feel about living in the same house.

It may be difficult and uncomfortable, and some may resist the discussion, but they may also be relieved once the subject is raised.

"My take is that a bit of awkwardness now will save no small amount of guesswork, angst and hard feelings in the long run," Tapp-McDougall says in her book.

Raymond Applebaum, executive director of Peel Senior Link, a non-profit provider of support services for seniors living on their own, notes that talking ahead of time also helps your parent, because most hate the idea of putting stress on their kids and want to do whatever's necessary to alleviate the strain.

"Knowledge and planning ahead is power."

Here are some other tips to help balance the needs of parents while you are raising a family:

Once there are signs that a parent may need support, make a care plan by establishing specifically what help they need — occasional transportation to the doctor, perhaps, or help managing their finances or with personal hygiene. Watch for clues they may need more help than they want to admit. It can be food rotting in the fridge, a home falling into disrepair, signs of loneliness or a fall.

"I think the most important thing men and women need to know is there's lots of support out there for them," says Lynne Gallagher, co-ordinator of caregiver education services with the Family Services Association of Toronto.

A supportive living environment means problems can be caught before they reach the critical stage. For example, Peel Senior Link has seven buildings in Brampton and Mississauga in which it provides supportive housing to low-income seniors, including checking in on clients every few hours, assistance with medication, personal care such as showering, light housekeeping and laundry and food preparation. They also provide an avenue to access additional resources such as Meals on Wheels or help for dementia.

Involve other family members and friends in care wherever possible. Spreading the load reduces the risk of caregiver burnout and helps you attend to your children. And an outside person can help break down the tasks into manageable pieces and decide how to delegate them.

If your parent believes you are the only one who can and should help them, ask someone in the community whom they respect to help them understand the value of drawing on other resources.

Seek support through a caregiver network that conducts meetings or is accessible online. Sharing frustrations and fears with others who understand can help you come up with practical solutions for coping. It can also alleviate stress and give you a forum to express frustration and fear. Finding outside support is also positive for your family because they won't have to bear the brunt of your anxiety. If you don't have time to attend a support group, buddy up with someone who's been through it and grab an occasional coffee or telephone conversation.

Don't treat your parents like your children, respecting their right to make decisions, even if sometimes it means taking risks. "It's a different nurturing process," says Applebaum, because, at the end of the day, seniors should have the right to make their own decisions for as long as they are able.

Be honest with your children about a grandparent's disability, but don't push them to become more involved than they are willing. Children have different thresholds that will change depending on their ages, Applebaum notes, and it's a natural phase of development to not want to hang out with older family members. He suggests parents continue to offer their kids the opportunity to visit or be involved, without pushing, and lead by example. "It's about modelling, but don't throw your expectations on other people."

Keep track of how you spend your time and emotional energy so you can decide whether it is being fairly distributed. Tapp-McDougall says she writes everything down so she has a real picture of whether anyone is being short-changed, including herself. Families get resentful not just of the actual time, but the headspace and emotional investment in an older relative.

Burnout takes six to 18 months to set in. Watch for red flags that might signal you're heading for trouble, including: symptoms of depression, such as difficulty sleeping or social withdrawal; lingering aches and pains; feelings of being trapped; feelings of frustration and anger; being in a state of constant distraction, and difficulty staying focused.

The Toronto Star Online